I start by writing lists
of all the boys I wanted to love
who turned out to be so terrible at it
I take each one and I write their names
over and over again
like turning candy over and over with my tongue
I like the taste of it, even when I bite my own lip
blood is sweet.
I take those names and I curl them in my fist
until my nails leave moon-shaped scars
in my skin, come closer
I'll let you in.
Let me build the fire first
and let me remember
all those beautiful
savage times
that they took hold of my hips
and danced and pushed and promised,
but left my heart behind.
I lick the ashes off my fingers
one my one
so I can taste how bitter life can be,
I remove the knife buried in my chest
I leave that space for newness, for someone,
and I use that blade to carve a path through the destruction,
and I make an oath to fight these battles
even if I know
not any of us
have won.
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